Learning is painful. And it takes time.

For almost a whole month I have not written a post. This is a long hiatus – the longest since I began blogging (albeit less than a year ago!). But there is a really good reason for this – I’ve been busy, suddenly with dates and job applications (in my quest to find a co-parent and financial support respectively) for my potential baby (I want a child).

Looking into co-parenting I learned pretty quickly how this can work well but in many cases it doesn’t – as it was described to me, it can be ‘worse than the worst divorce’. But I do not want sperm donation as I am not comfortable with the baby not having a relationship with its father (I would not judge anyone who chooses this and indeed for me I would never say never if it was something I really wanted and there was no other way).

Also through this process I realised pretty quickly that I just didn’t want to have a child with someone I didn’t know – and I wasn’t prepared to start getting to know someone from scratch purely for this purpose. So I suggested it to a good gay friend of mine who – without any expectation on my part that he actually would – is considering it.

And I spoke to my mum, and asked too much of her, if I could live with her for the first few months, even though she had been planning to try and sell her house. Because I was essentially planning to be a ‘single mother by choice’ (https://www.singlemothersbychoice.org/) I would need to get support, especially at first, from elsewhere. It was very overwhelming for her (as the process has been for me so far) but she said of course she would never say no to me.

And it is an overwhelming thing. You think of the fantasy, and how creatively you can set this situation up and all the ways in which it might work (and indeed it may) and then you start talking to people about the reality and it quickly gets too much. How many eggs do you have left? How much time? The co-parenting thing (what I really would want and may even prefer even instead of a boyfriend!); most women consider it at first and only 5% of them end up doing it. Though it works for some and I’m sticking to that.

I hadn’t pushed the issue with gay pal as – here’s the thing – I was really struggling to let go of the romantic ideal. Of having a romantic partner who I have a child with.

Now, I’m not sure I even want this, and I still assume it will end. And as discussed in Monogamy? Polyamory? Open Relationship? I’m not sure where I even stand on monogamy.

But my pact with myself is that it’s got to be worth one last go. I don’t expect it to work – I’m not too depressed about this though, but I figure I’ll give it a few months and then see where I am. It would be great to find a man who could be a great dad, and support me in the early months/years even if we don’t stay together.

So, I joined some ‘normal’ dating websites, well – one! And have been meeting people through this for a potential relationship.

In the daytimes I don’t blog anymore as I used to as my days are filled with job applications, interview prep and waiting, stomach churning, to find out if I’ve got it. I work part time but need more work. Because I want to be in a position in a few months that if I meet someone to have a baby with I can get on with it – whether they are a boyfriend or not, whether they can offer financial support for a child or not.

This is way more boring than the other stuff I was writing about! But it’s my life for the time being, and I’m taking the long term view. There is some stuff to say about my relationship with newlover (Practising Letting Go) – I had thought I needed to cut him off because I just couldn’t handle the ambiguity of our relationship, but now we are back in touch, and I am (I think) beginning to learn to deal with the jealousy of that non-monogamy (or to deal with the ambiguity at least – in terms of my romantic relationships this is after all, something I want to explore, and to get better at managing). I am myself searching for someone else to provide the things I need that he cant offer, and one of the benefits of this set up is that I am of course completely free to do this.

This is all a huge learning process, I am experimenting with ways of living my life and it’s interesting to see things go in cycles – who comes back again and again, what ideas stick over time, how many people listen to, are prepared to consider and support me with my ideas & help me get what I want. I am beginning to see the emergence of a longer term view, and am interested to learn over the coming months and years how this will evolve.

So the pace of this blog may slow to reflect that. Relationships, and possible new ways of doing them are after all what it is about – and the learning from this runs to its own timescale.

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