The blurb on my Tinder profile is pretty clear;
‘Straight up kinda gal, looking to meet nice guys for flings… (am I allowed to be that honest on here :)?!)’
I find it works pretty well, I get lots of matches and its genuinely what I’m looking for at the moment, so cuts out a lot of pointless chat and workings out with people who may want something different.
And based on my first Tinder experience I thought of ‘Dick Advisor’ – kind of peer review for women who sleep with men, the main focus being;
- How much they focus on your pleasure (cos believe it or not, we’re not on here to provide a free sex service to men).
Unfortunately, some of my Tinder hook up experiences have involved men who, though more than happy to receive, just don’t get the idea that it’s supposed to be a 2 way arrangement. I’d say this is true of about 50% of my tinder experiences; that’s 50% too many.
I have to say I’m not sure I understand what it is these men think women derive from one way pleasure giving – are we supposed to enjoy their pleasure as much as they do so much so that we don’t need to be attended to ourselves?! Fucking pisses me off to be honest.
You may read this and think ‘well what do you expect?’ you are on there, you set yourself up for it!’ But the point is the assumption that it’s this way round – that I’m the one that has to compromise on my pleasure for the man to get his rocks off. I deeply resent that and find it completely unnecessary – there’s absolutely no legitimate reason apart from habit/ male ignorance about female pleasure (although surely there’s NO excuse for that these days?!) it should be this way, with the experience skewed towards the man’s pleasure. (Maybe also sexist porn? I don’t know, I don’t watch sexist porn – not that I find that a legitimate excuse either).
After my latest date (the one after Mr. Italy) I had this bizarre interaction – probably what drove me to write this post actually – over text. We had got on really well, he was sweet, shy and he’d come back to mine for… sex with him was great, but after he was finished, essentially, we were finished, no matter how many hints I dropped…. Yet ANOTHER one for Dick Advisor!!
Actually it really affected the way I felt in that moment I realised he just wasn’t interested – I felt incredibly lonely. What did he think I was doing this for? I give up the comfort of a relationship for this, because I don’t want the work, stress, pain or boredom that can come with a relationship – but suddenly I craved this; someone who would be invested in me & interested in my pleasure too; this casual dating was turning into such hard work which was the opposite reason I was doing it! What frustrates me is how easy it would be for 2 people to enjoy each other in an equal way, I just don’t get why you would be selfish about it. Especially as if someone acts like this, I definitely won’t see them again.
Though in this case, as he had been so sweet, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt & wondered if it had been a shy thing or something else. He sent me a lovely text the next day, and after a bit of banter I plucked up the courage to tell him I’d been upset he didn’t seem to have an interest in my pleasure & wondered if he wasn’t keen on the ‘tongue thing’ or something like that, though I made it clear that was a deal breaker for me.
‘Nooooo I’m not really into that with somebody new you know…. And even then it takes me a while to get into that aspect of sex…sorry to disappoint’,
?????????? So – you’re not ready for oral but full sex you get straight in there? Oh, and of course you are ready for oral – but only when it’s done to you!! I did say to him ‘So it’s OK for someone to do it to you, but not the other way around? Nice system my friend!’ I think I’ll try it!’.
Though the reality is that as a woman, I would unlikely have the arrogance, agency or sense of entitlement to just shove my vagina in his face, or push his head down, & leave him high and dry when I was done.
‘She was disappointed to learn that feminism has not been communicated downwards. While girls today feel entitled to engage in sexual behaviour, they don’t feel entitled to enjoy it, measuring their sexual satisfaction in terms of their partners pleasure, not their own’.
Of course I don’t consider myself to be one of these people (not that I haven’t experienced it), hence the anger at what I’m experiencing, but also of course, I am not a girl of the age Peggy writes about.
There’s a name for women who take and don’t reciprocate – I learned it the other day, ‘pillow princess’. But as its men that do this much more than women, why oh why is there not a name for that!? Because it’s normalised, standard, laissez-faire. Well it fucking shouldn’t be.
As I write this I am FUMING!!!!
I’ve decided reviews afterwards (Dick Advisor style) are the long way round to do it. I need to cut these selfish bastards off before my pictures have even got the hint of a rise from their trouser snake.
I changed the blurb on my Tinder profile. It now reads;
‘Straight up kinda gal, looking to meet nice guys for flings… (am I allowed to be that honest on here 🙂 ?!).
Though if you’re not interested in my pleasure as well as your own, please swipe left. (Had to unfortunately come back into tinder to add this stipulation – who knew, in this day & age? Sort it out fellas!!)’
Has anyone else had similar experiences or otherwise? Would love to hear your thoughts & stories!!
P.S I never thought I would write so openly about these kinds of details on my blog, but it seems there is a need for it – it makes me angry there is a need for it, but it needs to be spoken about and addressed. Unfortunately, as my experience shows, quite a few men out there still need educating on this.
P.P.S You may not believe this but AFTER I wrote this, like just now, I went back to a reference I wanted to include from Peggy Orensteins article where I saw the term ‘Orgasm Gap’. Believe it or not I had not actually heard this before and a quick google search suggests it’s a whole massive thing that people talk about and research! As such, and because there’s way too much to discuss in this P.P.S, I’m writing another blog post on it as we speak….Follow @singlefemaleblg