Turns out I’ll go to quite some lengths for a hook up…! (Censored)

When I was in Ghana in 2000 volunteering, I shaved my legs with a shit razor and sliced some skin off the delicate part just above my left ankle. Yup – OUCH! That fucker bled like crazy. Since then a long time has passed (you do the maths) but I somehow managed to reopen this wound on the exact same spot by…you guessed it! Using a shit razor in haste. And why was I doing this? Basically because it seems I’ll do anything for a shag…..

In my lamenting about Tinder dates letting me down, my friend Joey reminded me that of course the way to get more good dates is to SWIPE FOR YOUR LIFE! This is actually what I was doing at first and why I had success, I stopped for some reason!

Think about it – many people you swipe you wont match with, many matches wont contact you or reply, many of them you will realise you don’t want to see them or vice versa, some of the ones you do see will e.g. a) live to far away b) be really bad at kissing etc etc…as such, swiping is the only way to increase the odds of a really good match (or 5…).

There I was at work, having swiped away on Tinder in, not London but Leeds (this was novel, taking a Yorkshire swipe?! And why the frig not??) and with 3 new matches, all of whom messaged me (get in!). I was chatting to an Italian guy who was funny and seemed cute. It was all a bit hit and miss as there were delays between messages through the whole afternoon whilst at work, but in the end at about 5:30pm I discovered yes indeed, we would be going on a date.

The only issue was;

  1. I was in a sweaty old work dress
  2. I’d been sweating into my pants all day
  3. I had furry legs
  4. My hair looked like shit (drizzly Yorkshire is not my friend hair wise. Frizzy sisters, I’m sure you hear me).
  5. I was just generally in need of a shower.

Ok so that’s 5 issues but you get the picture.

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This is the picture

It was 5:30 & I’d arranged to meet him at 7. In that time I had to somehow;

  • Work out where in the city I could have a shower before meeting him
  • Get to town to buy a cheap new dress, some pants, some shower gel and a razor
  • Get back to wherever said shower was
  • Wash, shave my legs, beautify myself
  • Get back to meet him looking all glam and calm by 7pm.

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I’m organised! Here’s my suggested ‘get laid at short notice’ shopping list. You’re welcome. 

In my head this was perfectly achievable. I’d researched and found you can shower at the Uni sports centre for £1 (bonza!). I’d hot foot it to New Look in town and be in the showers by 6pm.

Of course New Look was shut, so I confused myself in TK Max then gave in & headed even further into town towards H&M – which as usual, didn’t disappoint. I found this little number;

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plus my new favourite dates bra. Hello boys! (I cheated – its push up, but what fun!)

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Cheeky – does the job 😉

Though I didn’t have time to try them on at the time of course…

So the new outfit set me back £34 – not a snip but seeing as this is my new favourite date bra, the dress is cute, and a girl can always use an extra pair of leggings what with winter round the corner – I was pleased as punch!

In my flurry I realised there was something else Id need for a shower – a towel! And of course I headed to my favourite shop of all for my shower paraphernalia – Wilkos.

Wilkos I ♥ you!

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This little lot set me back all of £2.95. ‘Men’s’- yeah, was in a bit of a rush….

I ran back up to the uni (uphill this time. Love those Yorkshire hills but could have done without them today…) whizzed into the shower, whipped the hair off my legs (and some skin as mentioned earlier. That fucker bled all over the place.  It was then I noticed the very super good value towel I had bought was little larger than a face cloth. How to exit the shower with a surprisingly fast bleeding ankle, in front of a load of young innocent 20 something lady students whilst retaining my dignity. Possible?

Somehow (to my own surprise and delight) I managed this. Strategic placing of miniature towel, plus bum to wall whilst stemming the blood flow with tissues and 2 mini plasters stuck together allowed me to put my (sexy) pants on (also slightly awkward in front of said innocent looking ladies – though these were quickly followed by my new leggings).

PHEW. And HA! What lengths I go to indeed.

………

So, was it worth it I hear you ask?! Well, let’s just say I got what I came for (guffaw) & he was a funny, sweet guy – but I probably wouldn’t see him again. Put it this way; his room smelt like a teenage boys’ :/

But as ever, if there’s a silly story in it, I’m game 🙂

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