The thing that is just so great for me about the way I view things now is that all of that stuff – the things people used to say, that they still might say – the ‘old paradigm’ stuff where what I should be ultimately working towards is a partner and probably kids, and anything that isn’t about working towards that is wasting my time – is that, they cant use that against me anymore, and crucially, in those hours of darkness when my doubts come to haunt me – I cant use those arguments against myself anymore as evidence that Im not good enough.
Tinder date 2; attractive, lovely, attentive, surprising – is not suitable for me as a ‘life partner’ but it doesn’t matter – I still like him, I still fancy him and we can still have a good time together. In fact don’t need to even let it enter my head, let alone work out how ‘suitable’ he is for me at all (whatever that means – maybe it really means how suitable others think he is for me). Because I am completely free to enjoy this human being without anyone else’s judgement or worry about what he means for my future. And its such a fucking relief.
Its such a relief to not wake up every morning (as often I used to!) worrying about having to be a parent, whether I could cope with that, without all the things I know make me happy; exercise, dancing, meditating, thinking, writing, dating, travelling, meeting new people and having adventures – going where the wind (or my whim) takes me.
Such a relief to not think – ‘my times running out & I hate internet dating; just more chances to feel judged, to fall for people who aren’t interested, to go out with people and for it to just go sour’. Or not – for it to just continue till, well, its just not interesting or exciting anymore, till I’m not excited, turned on anymore and I think – shit, this is it, and I have to live with it forever. This is what I signed up for.
Such a relief to not spend my day worrying about how to navigate a difficult relationship someone; to spend my time learning my way through a self-help book, to work out how to phrase things so they will be heard right.
I can go for a walk in the park instead and watch the sunlight through the trees.
I can get on my phone and meet up with one of 4 attractive, lovely, attentive men who live nearby and currently want a piece of my ass.
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