Not the best day….

My friend date and tinder dates yesterday fell through, it’s raining today, and my (almost fixed) broken toe is aching again just in time for my long anticipated night of dancing this evening.

But really I’m incredibly sad. I found out late last night that my ex was in hospital awaiting surgery.  Its likely nothing too serious but I feel disproportionately upset by it, and a sudden, overwhelming longing to get straight on a train to be by his side.

I cant help imagining (oddly) the thought of his skin being cut open and I hate it. I look for pictures of him and the ones I loved of us together (which I usually don’t). I think of us with our cats at home and I feel so sad. It’s working less today to remind myself that what I really miss is what I projected onto him. The sadness takes over.

At first when I text him to check in his response is so formal and unfamiliar. Like we weren’t lovers for 2.5 years, like we didn’t live in eachothers pockets for 1 year. Then we speak and we’re back – chatting easy and light, me comforted by the sound of the familiar voice I grew to know and love so well.

There is such a dichotomy between this familiarity and formality; where I cant go because he wouldn’t let me – didn’t know how to let me. In moments like this I feel it again. It completely makes sense that we broke up, I never doubted it was the right thing for these kinds of reasons – but I don’t stop caring of course.

Before I call him I feel so sad, I can’t stop crying. I know I need to stop before calling him as sometimes in our relationship he didn’t like me crying depending on what it was about. For example, on holiday he once objected to my crying at something beautiful and awe inspiring I was overcome by. He said my crying excluded him from the experience.

This isn’t the same I know, but that’s the kind of thing I have in the back of my mind before calling him – it’s the kind of thing I had in my mind and tried to negotiate & communicate with him about the whole time we were living together.

I know there is nothing wrong about me reacting emotionally to certain things – of course I couldn’t stay in a relationship with someone who felt there was. But to add complexity and confusion, he didn’t always react like that – so much of the time he could be so supportive, he could hold me while I cried, or be OK with certain emotions. But not at other times.

In the end it was how much he struggled with my (normal, human, unaggressive) emotions combined with the fact that when and how this happened was unpredictable combined with the fact that he wasn’t able to communicate about it afterwards that broke us up. Maybe I was functioning at a level of intimacy that just wasn’t achievable for him, one that perhaps perplexed and challenged him.

But this is now, and he is in hospital, and I care, and I loved him, and I miss him in this moment and want to know he is OK. So I make sure I’m not crying when I call, and that, though I feel so sad when we speak, I don’t let it out until we’ve hung up the phone.

To be honest, I still can’t really make sense of this – I spent a long time and huge amount of effort trying to in my relationship without success. I don’t know if I’ve necessarily expressed here what it is I wanted to say. It matters less now of course as we are not together (for this very reason).  But when it occasionally rears its head as it just has, it still manages to baffle me for a while, and knock me off course.

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Sadness & Grief

Not the best day….

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