Its not being said enough

There is something that isn’t being said enough, especially in relation to women and how relationships are just not all they’re cracked up to be. I know some people have good relationships, rewarding ones that work, but that’s not been my experience and in many places I see that things are so hard as to be almost not worth it.

I had a revelation after I broke up with my last boyfriend; this was particularly painful as he was supposed to have been my husband. I still feel that now even though I know it’s not the case, I’m still shocked at what happened even though it started happening almost as soon as we moved in together over a year ago.

The revelation was that I felt, of course, sad, upset, moments of awful grief, and still do now sometimes – but the surprise was that I now knew the reality of relationships (for me) and what I had been striving for might exist/might not, but either way there’s more out there I could happily, right now, spend my time doing…namely; not being in a relationship, and enjoying the thing you get from not being in a relationship and not having kids; complete freedom.

I suppose I would have rather the relationship worked out – but the reality that I have experienced, when up against my experience of being free and single – in spite of sadness & loneliness (the latter of which I have to say I’m yet to experience since my break up as it happens) is that this single experience of life for me is better than being in a relationship.

Not to deny the sadness – I explain my current state of being as though often feeling there is a thin veil between me that is facing the world and the sadness behind – the antidote to this is definitely fun which I discovered on recent holidays. However, I don’t feel sad all the time and by and large I am not trying to cover up the sadness. This ‘veil’ has been useful to just not engage with those thoughts sometimes, or quite as much, when they are too painful. It allows me to let them out in ways I feel are manageable.

The point of explaining all this is to illustrate that I’m not coming from a place of bitterness, and right in this moment I’m not coming from a place of sadness, yet still I have concluded the reality of my experience tells me my life is (so far) better when I’m single.

This is undoubtedly a new thing to say? I don’t hear it being said elsewhere, and if it is its not prominent, not loud enough – especially to women who feel (as I did for most of my life) that they should have a partner to be properly happy and that this is the ultimate aim of your life as a woman (that and kids I suppose).

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